Why Do You Smile?
Alone…just speaking the word is painful. Alone; the deep aches within the heart you wish God would remove. Alone at night as the tears stream down your cheeks as you struggle to sleep, hoping and praying when you wake, God will change everything. All my friends are married and having children. Even the young ladies I’m mentoring are getting married one by one. I watch God move and bless those I love with such joy, and I’m so happy for them. But in the midst of rejoicing for my beloved friends, I cried out to the Lord in self-pity, “Lord, have you forgotten about me? I thought You loved me, this is becoming too much to bear.
It’s truly painful not sharing life with someone”. I went on complaining to Him, “Lord it’s hard to come home from work and not share the day with someone, no conversation, no welcome embrace, just silence; day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year”. God was so very patient with me during this season in my life. If I were He, I would have put a great pair of earplugs in, and tuned me out! The truth is I knew full well Jesus was there for me. I could talk to Him anytime I desired, and was sharing my life with Him, a person greater than any other. This truth, and truly believing it with all my heart, soul, and mind, is what carried me through my “alone” moments. The Lord was teaching me only He satisfies. He wanted me to learn whether single or married, it’s only in Him I find joy, contentment, peace, fulfillment and most of all LOVE. This love is beyond the feel good moments. Even though things were not meeting my expectations of what I thought love felt like, this did not mean He did not love me. He was teaching me a purer form of love. He always loves. He never stops loving, even when I couldn’t see it.
No matter how in love I was with Jesus, I had my moments of sadness. I remember a night of dinner and a movie at my married friend’s home, with her and her family. Only finding myself at the end of the night, driving home in tears because of what I didn’t have. I would visit my sister and be with her family quite often (I am so in love with her kids). As soon as I left them, and got in my car, I would cry all the way home. I knew I had no one there waiting for me. It was truly hard no matter how I tried to talk myself out of the feeling. I know now it was a process of teaching me through experiencing painful loneliness. My soul became one with being alone with Christ.
His Word says, “For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness”. Psalm 107:9
I had a thought one day…”what if I was the only person on earth, experiencing all the wonders of God all by myself. Enjoying the sun bathed beach, sitting under the starry night, filling the air with my words and thoughts that would just be between God and I?” God and I! Wow the wonder of it all! And yet He is as near to me as this. As near as if in the boundless space there was no heart but His and mine. I was to practice this solitude, the stillness of my heart. To understand I am keeping company with the most High God in which there is no greater honor. I have the holy privilege of being alone with God. The thought that I have God all to myself, and to know God has me all alone to Himself! To finally understand this! An awakening in my soul! I became grateful to have learned the blessed art of solitude and the power of our quiet time together.